The Summer of Low Self-Esteem and Lofty Goals

May 2012. Two years ago this time, I had everything planned out: graduate in 2012 with a degree in journalism, get a job writing for a newspaper or magazine, begin adult life. Sounded easy enough in my head. But before my junior year was over, I had a realization: I didn’t actually enjoy journalism. The only classes I had actually enjoyed in all my time at college had been history classes, so I decided to switch majors. After three years of taking courses for an entirely different major. Meaning that I basically was back at a sophomore level in a completely different field.

I didn’t really think about what this would mean at first. I was just excited to finally care about school. But then it hit me: all of my plans had been changed. Another year and a half at school. Another two summers living with my parents. More student loans. Graduate school, doctoral studies, and the list goes on. So when I moved back home after the school year ended, I felt a little depressed. Facebook album after Facebook album of friends graduating and getting married and other wonderful things while I screw around in Fayetteville, North Carolina hasn’t helped much. But that’s the challenge: to succeed and post self-congratulatory Facebook albums of my own. I had to make a new plan, and I sort of did. But can I follow it? Do I know how to?

I’ve always had anxieties and insecurities, but my unhealthy way of dealing with them is to pretend that they don’t exist for as long as possible. I’ve always been that way, even since childhood (yes, there is a story there, but that’s a different post). Combine that with my fear of doing anything outside of my comfort zone, and you have a recipe for a lot of terrified inaction. I obviously can’t keep doing that. So I’m taking it one step at a time. Get a summer job? Check. Student loans? Working on it, with some help from the parents. Classes? Got them all planned out for the next three semesters, God help me. Enjoy some leisure time when I can? You’d better believe it. Stay in touch with friends? Eh, kind of. I’ve got to work on that one a bit.